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Moving With a Teen

Moving countries is a great challenge for adults, but for teenagers it’s even harder. That shouldn’t discourage you from moving, particularly if relocation opens new opportunities for the whole family. What you will need is awareness of what to expect, planning, extra effort and lots of patience.

So what makes teenagers so difficult to live with at the best of times, what deters us from relocating countries and anticipating great difficulties if we do it?

Why Teens Have More Difficulty Moving
Adolescence is a challenging time for young people and their families. A teen is going through rapid physical and emotional changes, dealing with new social and psychological issues unlike anything experienced before. Any additional external change, like relocation, will most probably be received by your teen as unwelcome news, and they will express their reluctance and objections very loudly, although not always very clearly.

The first thing your teen will think of will be ‘What about me and my friends?’. Adolescence is the time when teenager is putting an enormous amount of effort into finding friends, becoming part of groups and being accepted by them. This is not just for some light-hearted social reasons, but more so because a teen is creating and starting to define their identity trough social interactions. Their friends are part of who they are, and separation from them is a direct attack on the early formed sense of self.

Another internal conflict is the one between wanting freedom and independence and at the same time still needing the security of the family. They wouldn’t want to admit it, but their home and family are the only stability they have, and relocation is threatening to dislocate it.

What to Avoid and What to Do More Of
One thing to avoid is to ignore their feelings and pretend that you are the boss and they have to do as you say. You will only create an additional challenge before, during and particularly after your move.

Sometimes your teen will react angry and in disagreement even though they don’t really object the move. The only thing they object may be that they were not consulted or being told soon enough. Don’t let your teen’s disagreement deter you from relocating; however, engage them as soon as you start contemplating the move. That way they’ll feel part of the process, even though they may not wholeheartedly agree to it. At least they will not be able to accuse you of ‘never been told you were thinking of moving’.

Scheduled times in advance when your teen can return to visit their friends and family left behind. That way the permanency of relocation will not appear so overwhelming.

Once you come to the new location, encourage your teen to get involved in activities, whether at school or outside of it. You know their interests, maybe there are some that have been neglected and now it is the time to re-visit them. Mixing with people with similar interests will facilitate formation of new social networks.

What Else Can Parents Do
Even if you do all the right things, your teen may still feel upset and angry. Don’t let them make you feel guilty. Guilt is something that is too closely associated with relocation. You will feel guilty for leaving your other family members, life-long friends, work… don’t add to it by feeling guilty for your teenager’s upset. Eventually they will accept the relocation, build new networks and settle in their new surrounding. Few years down the track they’ll probably be grateful for having the opportunity to see the world, meet new people and learn new things.

In the new home continue working on the relationship with your teen, and endure through the times of rejection:

• Spend time together.
• Listen – giving advice and lecturing are communication killers.
• Show love – it doesn’t matter that your teen is no longer a little child, you have to continually show that you love them.
• Take and share interest.
• Respect privacy – we all need our space, and this is equally important for a teen.
• Set rules - make clear that some things are not open for negotiation.
• Create memories – sometimes we don’t feel like getting out of our way, but often little sacrifices create memories for a lifetime.
• Trust – your teen is special and let them know it. If they make a mistake have trust in them that they will do the right thing next time, or at least in a few years time, once the ‘teen-age’ is over.

If you see any signs of poor health, depression, disruption of eating patterns, total withdrawal and poor academic results, consult a professional. There are counsellors and coaches who will help both, parents and teenagers to overcome the challenges of life including relocation.

LEX only posted an abridged version of the article.
Source: http://www.challengingdirections.com/
Date of publication: 1 December 2009
 

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