ACTUALITES

How to Make a Friend?

Good social relationships play a key role in a good quality of life. In fact, the recent study from Flinders University in South Australia shows that meaningful reciprocal relations with friends are more important to our well-being than spending time with our family! Newcomers are in the best position to start working on staying well and healthy until very old age.

Many of us who relocated countries felt that our social networks were stirred from the bottom up. For most of us relocation means that our old social networks have come to an abrupt end, and starting new ones is often filled with anxiety of the unknown. Our connections to the wider world, our deepest feelings of being accepted and safe are gone. Leaving family and friends behind, coming to an environment where we don’t know anyone is an unsafe and challenging experience.

Maintaining personal and regular contact with friends and relatives who are left behind becomes hard - sometimes impossible. We have to start building our social networks from zero, but we don’t have time for that. We have to find a home to live in, work to provide us with an income; we have to find a doctor, a hairdresser, a plumber, school and after school care if we have kids, we must buy a car, spend weekends looking for furniture… Sorry, but there is no time to socialize!

Humans are social beings, and social inclusion is crucial to our wellbeing and high self-esteem. If our social connections are inadequate we can soon start slipping into depression and feelings of low self-esteem. Sooner or later we start feeling emptiness inside ourselves and we start craving friends.

As children we used to be really good at making friends and acquaintances. Yet as adults we have to read books on how to network, attend workshops and training courses that are teaching us those skills that we always had in ourselves – curiosity and an open mind. These are the only two skills that you will ever need if you want to meet people and make friends. And even better news is that we all have these two skills in ourselves, we just need to reawaken them! Life is much simpler than what we are led to believe while growing up! So for everyone, particularly newcomers – it is back to basics!

I’ve read somewhere that everyone has at least 3 things in common with everyone else in the world. How about making that a focus when you next meet someone new? Once you learn what these 3 things in common are, start building a conversation around them.

It is only natural that in the new environment we tend to look for support of people of similar backgrounds to our own. Many people start going to clubs where they will meet others from their home country. People we meet there can provide a relatively safe environment to talk to about our first experiences, and are a source of information on where to go and how to do things. If we come from a different language background, it is also easier to talk to someone in our mother-tongue than translate in our head. What we must be aware of is that, whilst our geographical background is similar, everything else could be quite different. Our socio-economic background may differ, education, interests, values and attitudes. Good social connections assume similarities in how we live our life and ways we do things. Be aware of the possible differences with people from your home country and you will save yourself some disappointments.

Having the initial support group of people of similar background is great and can certainly reduce the early stresses. What you must be aware of is that if these people have negative attitudes toward your new society it will ruin your experience too. So stay alert and look for people who have positive attitude and are keeping an open mind to accepting and learning the new.

Another thing to be aware of is where you are going to live. Living close to ‘your people’ will certainly give you a sense of safety. However, you are also running a danger of being closed in a ‘ghetto’, which according to some research could be psychologically damaging. Surrounding yourself only with people who are the same as you will definitely stay in the way of your integration with the new, holding back your personal growth.

For someone as adventurous and open to opportunities as a newcomer, rather than living in a ‘ghetto’, challenge yourself a little bit further and find a suburb to live at because you like the looks of it, rather than its people. Soon you will meet the locals, learn the language faster and become part of the new culture sooner.

Start building social networks with a good support group of people who have positive attitudes towards the host culture, irrespective of their background. Chances are that these people will also have established networks with the host nationals and help you expand your social networks.

Remember that social networks are meant to be fun and spontaneous. If you approach people in a fun and spontaneous way, with curiosity and an open mind - they will respond the same. Those who don’t are going to miss out on meeting someone new and interesting – you!

Source: Challenging Directions
Date of publication: 19 January 2010
 

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